Wankers


	JOKE

Wankers

HE was a whimsical masturbator, with an offbeat sense of humour.

* * *

HE was a disfunctional male patient and the sex therapist was advising him on the release that could be obtained through masturbation.
"Oh but I do get pleasure from my organ," he replied. "I frequently grasp my penis and hold it tight. It's a habit with me."

* * *

"Well, it's a habit you'll have to shake," said the thera¬pist.

* * *

THERE is a big difference between an egg and a wank. You can beat an egg, but you can't beat a wank.

* * *

THERE is a big difference between wanking and clogs. You can hear yourself coming in clogs.

* * *

HE was such a conceited wanker he would call out his own name and come.

* * *

WHY is masturbation better than intercourse? Because you know who you are dealing with. Because you don't have to buy flowers. Because you know when you've had enough. Because you don't have to be polite. Because you don't have to make conversation. Because you don't have to look your best. Because you meet a better class of person.

* * *

A SHAKESPEARIAN actor was being interviewed by the press.
"Did you ever have a really embarrassing experience?" "Well, yes. One experience I will never forget was when my mother caught me playing with myself." "Oh we all did that when we were kids." "Yes, but this was last night."

* * *

WANKING is very much like playing Bridge.
If you've got a good hand you don't need a partner.

* * *

LOVERS may celebrate Valentine's Day, but wankers celebrate Palm Sunday.
THE leading manufacturer of imported vibrators is a Japanese firm called Genital Electric.

* * *

FRED had been stranded on the desert island for three years and now had blisters on his hands. One day he grabbed his old binoculars and scanned the horizon.
"My God, a ship," he muttered to himself. And there, on the mast, a naked blonde, beautiful breasts, and look at those hips, wow, she is headed this way."
By now he had a roaring erection.
Suddenly he flung the binoculars away and grabbed his donk.
"Gotcha again, ya bastard. There is no bloody ship."

* * *

IT was the Yuppies turn to host the bridge club evening and although they packed their 12 year-old son off to bed early, Junior was constantly coming downstairs and interrupting the game asking for drinks of water, wanting to go to the toilet, and had one excuse after another.
Finally one of the guests, Miss Lottzabazooma, said she could sort the matter out and took the youngster upstairs.
When she returned the game ran smoothly and there wasn't another sound from the lad all night.
As the guests were leaving the young mother asked Miss Lottzabazooma what her secret was.
"Nothing really," she said, "I just taught him to masturbate."

* * *

OLD Beryl and Dave struck up a relationship in the nursing home. They would meet in the television room after the evening meal, spread a rug across their adjacent chairs and Beryl would quietly give Dave a hand job.
Then one night Beryl was alarmed to see another woman sitting next to Dave, the rug spread across their knees and tell-tale movement beneath it.
"How could you, Dave?" said Beryl.
"I'm sorry," said Dave, "but she's got Parkinson's."

* * *

GOING down to the workshed one day a father surprised his 15 year-old son masturbating. In an understanding manner the father explained that what the boy had been doing was natural enough because the urge for release was strong.
"But you must save all that energy and not waste it," he said. "That sperm is your life essence. Save it until you are a man and can use it in the normal manner."
The boy promised and the years slipped by.
He was given a great party on his 21 st birthday and when the guests had left he thanked his dad. "I never forgot what you told me in shed years ago," he said. "And I saved my seed like you told me to. But now I am a man and I have three barrels full. Heck Dad, what the hell will I do with it?"

* * *

BASIL was still pulling his pud and by his 30th birthday his father took him aside and said he would have to get married.
So Basil found himself a nice girl, got married and brought her home. Yet less than a month after the wedding the father found him whacking off in the shed again.
"What's this?" he said, "I thought this would stop once you got married."
"But Dad, the poor girl's not used to it. Her little arms get so tired."

* * *

THE American tourist got the shock of his life when the Mexican, brandishing a six-shooter, jumped out from be¬hind a cactus.
"Take my money, my car, but don't kill me," said the tourist.
"I no kill you if you do what I say," said the Mexican. "Just unzip your pants and start masturbating," he ordered.
Although shocked the traveller did what he was told.
"Right, now do it again," said the Mexican.
The Yank protested but with the gun against his nose he managed again.
"And yet again, Gringo, or I shoot you dead."
With sweat running down his brow the Yank managed a final effort and fell exhausted.
"Good," said the Mexican, "now you can give my sister a ride to the next village."

* * *

"ACCORDING to the latest survey," said the sex therapist to the reporter, "only half the population sing in the shower. The other half masturbate. And do you know what the singers sing?"
"No," said the reporter.
"No, I didn't think you did."

* * *

THE single girl told her psychiatrist: "I sometimes have 20 or so consecutive orgasms during my clitoris stimulation sessions."
"That's amazing," said the normally unflappable shrink. "Oh, I don't know," shrugged the woman, "after 16 or so I run out of fantasies and from then on it's not much fun."

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