Pubs


	JOKE

Pubs

BLOKE fronted the bar and ordered ten whiskies.
"Oh, and what's the occasion?" asked the barman proceeding to line them up.
"Just had my first blow job," said the customer.
"Celebrating?"
"No," said the customer, "I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

* * *

THE barmaid wondered where the voice came from, before she saw the little lad in short pants with his nose just reaching the bar.
"Hey, you. I said I'll have a glass of beer and a packet of fags," insisted the brat.
The barmaid saw that he was a lad of about 13.
"Do you want to get me into trouble?" she said.
"Forget the sex, just give me the beer and fags," he said.

* * *

THE travelling salesman arrived at the one-pub, three-dog town and fronted the bar. After a couple of drinks he said to the barman: "Is there any night-life hereabouts?"
"You just missed it by a few days. She's gone to the city for a holiday."

* * *

THEY looked an odd trio in the pub, a sailor, an ostrich and a cat.
The ostrich and the sailor would take their turn buying the drinks but the cat appeared to be on the stingy side.
It intrigued the barman. "Why doesn't the cat buy a round?" he said.
"It's a long story," said the sailor. "Suffice to say that when I let the genie out of the bottle on that desert island and he granted me one wish, all I asked for was a long legged bird with a tight pussy."

* * *

MURPHY had been at sea for five weeks and after settling into his room at his usual waterfront pub he picked up the phone and asked reception to send up a whore.
The publican had married since Murphy was last there and the new landlady was shocked to hear Murphy's request.
She demanded that her husband go up and throw Murphy out. He tried to explain that Murphy was a regular guest but to no avail. "If you are too frightened to throw him out then I'll do it myself," she said.
She was a formidable woman and when she marched up the stairs the publican could hear the sound of furniture being thrown around, thumps, bangs and curses.
Finally Murphy came down, red-faced, puffing, face scratched and shirt torn.
"That was a rugged old bitch you sent up," he said to the publican, "it was more like a wrestle than a screw."

* * *

A KANGAROO hopped up to the bar and ordered a pot of beer. He slapped down a fiver and the barman gave him fifty cents change.
The kangaroo quaffed the beer and put the change in his pocket and was about to leave when the barman's curiosity could be contained no longer.
"Excuse me for mentioning it, but we don't get many kangaroos in here."
"No bloody wonder, at 4.50 a glass," said the kangaroo.
IT is a shabby pub in the red light district. One of the hookers walks in and says: "Gimme a glass of Smirnoff."
The barman does so and she scoffs the lot in one gulp then drops to the floor in a dead faint.
The barman appeals to the only two drinkers to help him carry her into a back room where one of them says: "Hey, let's give her a quickie while she's out."
They do so and an hour later she sits up, scratches her head, says: "Where am I?", gets her bearings and leaves.
Next evening she comes in at the same time and asks for a glass of Smirnoff, drinks it in one gulp and drops to the floor again. The same three carry her to the back room and do it again.
This goes on for a third and fourth night.
On Friday night she comes in and the bartender reaches for the Smirnoff bottle.
"No Pete," she says. "I'll have Bacardi tonight, that Smirnoff makes me sore down there."

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