Margene: Does that mean you miss me more?
Bill: Officially... I miss you guys all the same.

(The doorbell rings.)
Nicki: Oh boy! You know who that is?
Wayne: UPS.
Nicki: You're so clever!

Bill: We need the money, is all. Just do as I ask, will you?
Barb: No. No, you mean do as you say.
Bill: Yes! (realizes he's just made a mistake -- too late)

Sarah: Why can't we just hire a babysitter like everyone else?
Barb: Because we're not everyone else.

Bill: (seeing his father lying on the floor) Oh good lord!
Lois: He's better today. He's gonna be fine. I don't know why everyone's so up in arms.
Frank: (hoarsely) Don't let me die.



Bill: (about his father) He's gotta get to a doctor.
Lois: No! Remember when he got his fingers caught in the fan? You said doctors and he was fine!
Bill: He needed 23 stitches!

Heather: You know, when I'm 21, I really wanna go on a mission and I wish I could go to an Islamic country because I think post-9/11 that part of the world needs our help the most. Don't you think?
Sarah: I think the whole world needs help.

Roman: (to Bill) Listen to me, son, carefully. There's man's law and there's God's law... and I think you know which side I'm on.

Barb: (to Nicki and Margie) We're never too far apart when we're holding hands.

Frank: Wanted to make sure I wasn't dead. Didn't ya?
Bill: Not really.

Heather: I should tell you, I don't believe in polygamy.
Sarah: Yeah well. Guess what... Neither do I.

Nicki: (to Barb, about Margie and Bill having loud sex) Can you believe it? It's like a train whistle!

Barb: Ben! Go put a shirt on. This isn't a nudist colony, last time I checked.

Lois: (about Frank's arsenic poisoning) How can he suspect me when I didn't do anything? That's crazy!
Bill: Fine, fine. So who is gonna pick him up?
Lois: Why don't you go pick him up?
Bill: I hate him as much as you do.
Lois: Then maybe you did it!



Bill: There's one more thing. My house is three houses.
Ronnie: What, rentals?
Bill: No, I live in all three houses.
Ronnie: In all three?
Bill: With my family, they're connected...
Ronnie: All three houses?
Bill: That's right. Big family.

Peg: I keep telling you, the anti-depressants really do take the edge off. Barb, they are not addictive!

Bill: (to Margene) I've been thinking about you. We are links to eternity. Ahead of us, family yet to come, souls to be born; behind us, ancestors — ancestors who sacrificed. We are making those sacrifices to live the principle, to keep faith. Margie, you are a valued member of this family. We weren't complete, not until you. You made us complete. I wasn't complete until you, and our fine sons. What happened was a mistake. It'll never happen again, all right? All right?

Bill: (about the size of the guest list for Wayne's birthday party) Are you crazy!? How many people?
Nicki: Just immediate family! (pause) 153...

Adaleen: (to Bill, about Nicki) I would never, ever tell you how to run your affairs -- she's your wife -- but she's always needed a firm hand. She takes well to a good smacking. You too, Barb, just give her a nice little swat!

Sarah: What's it like being married?
Rhonda: It's a pre-marriage placement. That's what it's called now, to get around the law until I'm 16.
(Sarah has a horrified look on her face.)
Rhonda: I wasn't forced! (smugly) The other sister-wives hate me because old Roman likes me best.
Sarah: Do you love him?
Rhonda: He's sweet to me. The greatest freedom we have is obedience.
(Sarah's not buying it.)

Don: Oh, we're gonna need to use your car. There was a rabid skunk in the yard last night. I grabbed up the shotgun and I got him... but it led out a big cloud of stink out all over the car.
Bill: Couldn't wait til tomorrow, huh?
Don: No. (chuckles)

(Bill comes home late at night and snuggles up to Margie in bed.)
Margie: (half asleep) Where's Nicki?
Bill: What??
Margie: It's Nicki's night. You gotta go.
(Bill sneaks through the house, across the backyard and up to Nicki's bedroom.)
Nicki: Honey, what are you doing here?
Bill: It's our night!
Nicki: It was. Didn't you get my message? See the Post-It?
Bill: Post-It?
Nicki: I traded with Barb.



Heather: (to Donna) You know what, I've upped my standards, so up yours.

Barb: (seeing Nicki come home carrying several shopping bags) How's the "family emergency" going?
Margie: Yeah, somebody die at The Gap?

Bill: (to Ben, instructing him for the hunting trip) Hey, remember tomorrow: no deodorant, no soap, no mouthwash.
Sarah: (chuckles) Like you really have to tell him that.

Ben: How do you know if God's talking to you or if you're just talking to yourself?
Bill: That's one of the most important challenges in life.

Bill: We're going after Roman. We're gonna take it to him.

Bill: Let's get off this subject. It's very unsavory.
Wendy: But I know what I saw!
Bill: What you saw was an action but you didn't necessarily see the label you're putting on it.
Wendy: I don't know what you're talking about.
Bill: Exactly!

Ben: I think about sex all the time!
Brynn: But that's good.
Ben: No, I can't control it. I get hard-ons in woodshop!

Nicki: He's been so happy! And he saw me in the car and pretended he didn't see me. And then he gave us flowers to throw me off the trail. I mean, don't you see? Do you see it?
Wanda: You don't think he's...?
Nicki: He is, yes! He is seeing a fourth wife. This is exactly what he did when he got interested in Margene. Honestly, I knew even before I knew, you know?
Wanda: It's so easy to see through them. They're kind of cute that way.

Nicki: You're the weak link, Margie.
Margie: What?
Nicki: We have to be realistic. You can't keep a secret like me and you're not a good liar like Barb.
Barb: (alarmed) What do you mean I'm a good liar?
Nicki: With the neighbors. You're so effortless; you're pro.

Margie: (to his son who's prancing around with no pants on) Aaron! (to Pam) I'm sorry, he just discovered his penis.
Pam: Don't they all!

Barb: (through phone on Bill's right ear) Honey? Honey, how long's it gonna take you?
Bill: Not long.
Pharmacist: (through phone on Bill's left ear) How many [Viagra do you need]?
Bill: (to both) Just give me 20.
Barb: All right, take the 600 South exit, then straight out Sunnyside.
Pharmacist: When will you be picking this up?
Bill: (to pharmacist) I'll swing by tomorrow.
Barb: That's not funny.
Bill: Uh, n-, uh, 20!
Barb: See you soon.
Bill: Love you.
(The pharmacist looks uncomfortable.)

Barb: (to Peg) I don't like the sneaking around. (pause) Actually, I love the sneaking around; it is so exciting.

Barb: I'm having an affair.
Peg: With who?
Barb: Bill.
Peg: Your husband Bill?

Margene: Your father said we cannot call a plumber.
Ben: I know.
Margene: Do you think he's a cheapskate?
Ben: Umm, I believe the word is thrifty.

Nicki: (thinking about baby names) What do you think of the name Noel?
Bill: I think it says "Kick me and take my lunch money."

Frank: What do you got there?
Lois: Corn bread.
Frank: Sweet, savory or... strychnine?

Nicki: (about Barb) Do you think she's happy for me? About the baby?
Margie: Of course. She loves babies. Sometimes I think she wishes my boys were hers.
Nicki: Sometimes I think they wish the same thing.
Barb: We can't keep doing what we're doing.
Bill: But I need you.
Barb: You have me.

Barb: Who's that?
Bill: Just Nicki.
Barb: Oh. What'd she want?
Bill: No, nothing. (pause) She's ovulating.

Bill: I promise you, you will not have the baby in this motel.
Wanda: Oh, I could give birth in a potato patch, I'd survive. It's Joey I'm worried about.

Heather: You know, I really have some strong opinions about polygamy and I would love to sit down and talk to you about it one day.
(Sarah looks down, embarrassed.)
Barb: Wuhh... We should do that sometime.

Wanda: (to Barb, about Frank) I wouldn't let him in your house if I were you. He makes Joey crazy, Bill hates him, and he doesn't pee in the toilet.
Nicki: Bill's not very good about lifting the seat either.
Wanda: No, Nicki. He pees in the sink.

Frank: (to Bill, about Lois) What are you being over-protective of her for? She's like one of Roman's Humvees, you know. The woman is a tank!

Frank: (to Joey) I'll have some beans there, Fumbles.
Wanda: I told you, old man, you lay off Joey or else.
Frank: Or else what?
Wanda: Or else I'll finish the job someone else started: I'll kill you!

Nicki: I love you, Bill.
Bill: I love you, too.
Nicki: How much?
Bill: I say it's astronomical, beyond all measure.
Nicki: I have $58,000 in debt.
Margie: Bennie, do you remember a few years ago a vote about me?
Ben: Which one?
Margie: The one about me joining the family.
Ben: Which one?

Sarah: (to Bill) It hurts to see you lie, dad. I hate that about his life. Watching you and mom hide, all of us having to hide.

Margie: I am a terrible wife. I should've never married your father. And your mother.
Sarah: And Nicki.
Margie: Especially Nicki.
Nicki: Margene, you're grounded.
Margie: Excuse me?
Nicki: Or you're on probation. You do not involve our kids in your filthy habits.
Margie: No, no way. You have no authority over me.
Nicki: Authority? Wait just one minute. I'm second, you're third, get it?
Margie: Second's not first. It's nothing.
Cindy: Polygamy one hundred years ago was quaint; polygamy today is foul.

Margie: (to Barb and Nicki) I'm happy. I love you both so much.
Nicki: You're overheated. Put on a hat.
Ernest Holloway: (about the UEB Council) They also talked about negotiating a contract with NASA to sell clay from one of the mines we own in Moab for the heat shields on the shuttle.
Bill: They don't believe we even went to the moon and yet they're in business with the agency that didn't go there.

Barb: I do not want the kids to go to the compound!
Nicki: All the kids or just your kids?
Barb: Any kids and certainly not mine. And mine include yours!

Governor's Aide: Your charity work was important, to be sure, but truthfully it was your cancer that sealed the deal. The first lady is trying to shine a light on survivorship this year. You and your fellow finalists are all survivors.
Barb: So many people are.
Governor's Aide: True, but most are merely tumors. Luckily for you, yours had metastasized.

(Nicki sneaks in on Barb and Margene talking; they don't hear her.)
Barb: Has she said anything to you about what she's wearing?
Margene: Nuh-uh.
Barb: Just try to get her to wear something a little more... I mean, she sticks out like a sore thumb.
Margene: Oh...
Barb: I don't want to hurt her feelings, but it's like walking into the Governor's mansion with a sign that says "Practicing Polygamist". She'll never listen to it coming from me, she'll think I'm attacking her. I mean, even just offer to do her hair.

(Talking about the Mother of the Year event.)
Rhonda: Why did they pick Barb? Is she more important than you two?
Margene: Uh, no.
Rhonda: Well was there something lacking in you two?
Nicki: Only one person can be mother of the year. Teenie nominated Barb, so that's how it happened. Here.
(She hands Rhonda a sandwich.)
Rhonda: What is it?
Nicki: Breakfast. To go.
(Rhonda turns to walk away, then turns back to Nicki.)
Rhonda: You're irritable, Nicki. Try to find time for a nap this afternoon.